i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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