She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
