My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
