shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Can you bring me the toilet please
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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