Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
the day after is always just damage control
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
