did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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