How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
