I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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