I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
