On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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