i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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