dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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