Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
