I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
