Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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