I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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