I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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