just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
