you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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