sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
