Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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