So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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