Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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