the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
