my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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