She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
