does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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