blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
