let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
