I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
