I am puke
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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