ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
