you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
