I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
