you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
