It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
