Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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