I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
