Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
