well he's currently spooning the coffee table
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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