dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
