Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Rumble strips road head = magical
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
