Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
