Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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