And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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