I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
