remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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