I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
