Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
