is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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