Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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